In my dreams I betray God
In my dreams, my flesh already began to rot
I sin, I cave, I bleed. I’m so ashamed
Again and again. All on purpose
Hate boils beneath my skin, runs to my heart and turns it cold.
I crawl, I break, I lie, I call
While I sleep I don’t regret it at all
And I have a lover that makes love to my nightmares,
she says ‘I cared, I cared’
But fair? It’s not fair
her presence in my sleep, Her loving makes me weep
Everywhere she touches me, touches her back. Everything I need, I find in her skin, bare.
When I wake up I’m afraid of praying. When I wake up I’m afraid of faking
And I’m grateful God has not a face. Because face him I couldn’t face. And shame, in the morning, is All I ever taste.
-Alana Marroquim, Apr. 2017