In my dreams I betray God

In my dreams, my flesh already began to rot

I sin, I cave, I bleed. I’m so ashamed

Again and again. All on purpose

Hate boils beneath my skin, runs to my heart and turns it cold.

I crawl, I break, I lie, I call

While I sleep I don’t regret it at all

And I have a lover that makes love to my nightmares,

I cry,

she says ‘I cared, I cared’

But fair? It’s not fair

her presence in my sleep, Her loving makes me weep

Everywhere she touches me, touches her back. Everything I need, I find in her skin, bare.

When I wake up I’m afraid of praying. When I wake up I’m afraid of faking

And I’m grateful God has not a face. Because face him I couldn’t face. And shame, in the morning, is All I ever taste.


-Alana Marroquim, Apr. 2017